If I was a sculptor, but then again no..

Please let this not be true. Please.

11216.) I want someone to say I love you. not the fake kind you say to your 3 month 10th grade girlfriend, but the kind that you say when you’re falling asleep in each others arms after along day, no sex, just being close and feeling close. That’s the kind i want. the kind that’s whispered in the night, when no one can hear.

Mindless banter with myself

doesn’t seem very fun at all.

Please give me the confidence to see this through. Thanks.

Livin’ just to find emotion…

When we were young (like in kids young), whenever our parent/teacher/whoeverwhocanread read to us our favourite stories, we’ll ask them to read it over and over again despite us already knowing the ending of the big bad wolf being killed by little red riding hood’s father.

We watch the harry potter movies knowing the dumbledore will die in the 6th installment after reading the books but we pay the $9.50 on weekends to watch the movie anyway.

We all know the Wizard of Oz is a fluke hiding his flaws and his sorry self behind a facade, but we enjoy this story of adventure and mystery.

We all know that Charles Kingshaw will die and say “fuck to you” to Edmund Hooper in page 100++ of “King of the Castle” but we analyse the novel like no tomorrow, taking notice of every little single detail in his thoughts and actions.

I watched “My Blueberry Nights” 6 times (twice in Bangkok, mind you).

 

You see, very often we know the ending of a story we know the consequences of some of our actions but we still carry on with the activity. It is said that the process is more important than the product of our journeys.

I say it’s the emotional factor of these things we do; a message can be repeated a hundred times, a story/movie/song can be read/played/listened to a thousand times, a mistake can be repeated countless times but each time we do that something we get a different emotion albeit the same result.

That’s human nature for me: that is when we are suckers for something, we are really suckers.

These emotions we feel are so powerful, so overwhelming that it renders the inevitable endings negligible.

And THAT is why I don’t care about endings, happy or otherwise, as long as the process is one filled with meaning, lessons and lots of emotions.

Call me a sucker now.

I know I should be sleeping…

but I guess I feel like rambling cause it’s been a while since I’ve done so.

I’ve entered a state of equilibrium (I think this is the right word) since NS started. My life has come to a stand still.

I have no time for things and things have no time for me anymore. I want to have more time for things and things to have more time for me. But it’s best that when I have time for things, in that same timeslot, things will be free for me. 

It’s okay if you don’t know what I mean, cause we both know that things will be fine, with or without me.

Yes, that’s how bloody insignificant I am.

 

To sum up this blog post, I’ve only one thing t(w)o say, (three words four you.. hahaha): Richard of york gave battle in vain.

 

And here’s two of the best songs ever. Combined into one. It’s like value-packed. Enjoy the sales promotion, guys.

Comfortable…

 

Been feeling irritable. Like something’s not right with my life. Like I’m feeling empty inside (with the exemption of nicotine and whatever)

 

Might be the pending NS letter which hasn’t been here yet.

Might be the fact that I’m still pissed I screwed up my elective sem.

Might be something else.

 

Maybe it’s because I have no direction in my life right now, so many choices but I don’t want to make any right now. Am in no shape nor condition to do so.

 

I believe they have a word for this…. what exactly is it?

Protected: For you..

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Inter-species Porn.

has a whole new dimension to it. Thanks to Lim Ppei.

I’m feeling like it today…

Hurt & Loss. These two things are similar, like Hoes and Boats.

You see, because you’ve been hurt or because you’ve lost something, you become afraid to try or even hope (yes, I’ve used “you” 4 times in this sorry excuse for a sentence – shoot me).

You think, “no way in hell am I going back there again, no way I wanna be that fucked up again”. 

You get locked up in your hellhole; you pushed everyone/someone/everything away from you; you get a distraction (i.e. playing LAN, starting to smoke, clubbing, drinking, having sex every night etc) to occupy your mind.

And then one day, you get weak or adventurous (very extreme I know) and you say, “hey let’s give it a try again” and next thing you know, you’re falling at terminal velocity again (don’t know if that actually makes sense).

And when you hit the bottom, you scream in pain thinking why the fuck did you take the leap (My favourite quote in Hitch explains it all: because that’s what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly… is you. )

And I guess that’s it. It’s the promise of flight that entices you, spurs you on to do the unthinkable. Thus, my advice to you and myself is that don’t stop believing in whatever and do the right thing.

And to end this post that does not make sense (with more emphasize on what goes on in the brackets instead), here’s Journey with Don’t Stop Believin’.

Piss Peace, Brother.

5 ++++ Things that Happened in 2008

Well, it’s been a terry-bly (I like to spell “terrible” and its variants with a “y” now) long time since i’ve last blogged. And here’s something to sum up the year. Similar to what I’ve done last year but long (cause I was emo last year and still am).

 

1. I’ve finished with the lowest GPA I’ve ever got of 2.75. Fall from grace eh?

2. Doing my “Dream Attachment” at S&S now. Learn a lot of life skills on the way and lost a bit of my life along the way. Oh oh oh, also won the first pitch of my career.

3. Went to Bangkok with a bunch of buddies, first time going overseas with my friends alone.

4. Finished 3 seasons of My Date with a Vampire in 1 month. Dude, I don’t know how I did it.

5. Have’t given up on Love and on Life (yet), two of the greatest four letter L words other then Lose.

6. Became a Mambo and Mahjong addict.

7. Smoked for a year now. About time to stop.

8. Got my driving license.

 

As I write my 20th Chapter of my life beginning one month from now, I shall make resolutions for 2009 and stick to solving them. I am never a believer of resolutions cause I know I’ll NEVER fulfil them, but we shall see.

 

1. Travel before NS

2. Transit into NS without being to sore about it.

3. Try not to become an NS Junkie

4. Donate Blood (this has been on my list for the past 2 years)

5. Perform an acoustic set, somewhere somehow. yes, before NS.

6. Find some direction for my life after NS.

7. Give up smoking, or at least try. (Yes, Tim, you can start laughing now.)

8. Support Everton no matter what happens. Even if they buy Dirk Kuyt or Mohd Sissoko or Daniel Bennett.

9. Continue dissing Liverpool fans.

10. Live.

 

2008 rating: 5/10 – Not much better then 2007.

2009 forecast: Bad. Look at the times I’ve mentioned NS in my resolutions.

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble about my mundane life, and oh yea,

 

HaPpiE NeW YeAr WorXzXsZXsZx!! XOXO!