asd

… you’re in it.

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned.

But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”
— Sigmund Freud

Going shopping and spending time with my mother this week has reminded me when I was a kid.

You see, when I went out with the “adults” then, they always said I was a very easy kid to handle. Long before the age of mobile phones, they could just leave me in a corner while they bought something or went to the toilet and I will not wander off somewhere else.

Truth is, I figured at a very young age that if I stayed put a certain location, my mother/cousin/auntie/uncle will find me eventually. So I would never be afraid of getting lost.

See, this incident of finding my mother at the mall gave me two epiphanies.

One, I missed spending quality time with my mum and should really start doing so before I do not have the chance to do so.

Two, this habit of mine has transcended into my adult life as I have the same way of staying put and waiting on girls that I like. Mindset being, if I don’t move, she will understand and find me eventually.

This is not working well.

You see, I met this girl quite sometime ago and it took me awhile to realise that I really liked her. It really takes me alot to like a girl.

I know when I spend weeks or even months thinking about her and hoping to see her. Even to the point when I’m bitter when I don’t get to see her and everyone else does.

But everything’s fine when I finally meet her and see the smile on her face. (Cliche I know)

Point is one year into enlistment and my life’s is at a stagnant point. As stagnant as when I wait for the adults while they’re away.

And I really need to find a way to un-stagnant-ise it. Especially with this girl.

But sometimes, it just comes from feeling that you are not worthy of anything at all.

According to Wikipedia:
“In grammar, the subjunctive mood (abbreviated sjv or sbjv) is a verb mood typically used in dependent clauses to express wishes, commands, emotion, possibility, judgment, opinion, necessity, or statements that are contrary to fact at present.”

For example: If only I hadn’t got to do my national service, I would have more time for you.

or

If I were strong enough to tell you the truth, then I’ll be at peace with myself now.

Ever woke up one day and felt like there’s nothing more to live for in this life. Like you’re so sick of life you don’t mind killing yourself there and then.

I have.

“The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed”